There are certain taboo topics between friends. Topics, near-and-dear to our hearts, which are difficult to introduce into our conversations, easily misconstrued, and often avoided. Anything to do with child rearing is one. Another is, the ease or awkwardness of our children’s struggles through various development phases. The biggest though, which is almost impossible to discuss, is what do you do when you don’t like a friend’s child or when their child’s behaviour is so unacceptable, you don’t really feel comfortable in the child’s company?
In my experience, it is hard to hold onto a friendship or develop a new one, if the friend has a child, or children, you find unsympathetic. A friendship might survive a husband or wife you don’t particularly like, but not a son or daughter.
This weekend, I met the children of a friend of mine. We’ve only developed a friendship in the last year and, even though I met her in person before, I had not met her children until now. She has great kids. Thank heavens! Halleluiah!
I didn’t realise how nervous I was to meet her children, until after I’d met them and realised they were bright, funny, quirky, mischievous little munchkins. And, then a wave of relief washed over me.
Last summer, I met a woman that I quite liked. She is a very interesting person. She has a very different personality to my own. Lives a very different lifestyle. In hindsight, it probably is all these differences that make her interesting to me. She is a kind, gentle, intelligent woman, in an Annie Hall sort of way.
When I went to her apartment the first time and met her three boys, I nearly did an about-turn inside of the first half-hour of the visit. The boys behaved loudly, disrespectfully, jealously, aggressively, and showed a collective meanness of spirit. I was thrown off-balance.
The contrast between her gently nature and the boys’ persistent aggressive behaviour was starling. It made me wonder whether my first impression of her, my assessment of her qualities were wrong.
Once this thought popped up in my mind, I couldn’t lose it. Subsequent visits have done little to rid me of this niggling thought. So, even though we have met relatively regularly, I doubt any friendship will arise.
Has this ever happened to you? Is it difficult to broach this topic, or is it just a figment of my imagination?
This has happened to me to a lesser extent, and you're right, no one talks about it. Some people have lots of lovely qualities, but being a strong parent isn't one of them. You just can't say to someone, "Sorry, I'm having a hard time being friends with you because your kids are obnoxious." And sadly, I tend to be very judgmental of people who have awful kids. Isn't that terrible?
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. It is really hard to sty friends with somebody when you don't like their children. Sometimes the children mirror the traits I don't like in my friends either. So, we know a couple, they are both very nice but tend to talk just a little too loud. Their son is much to loud, and behaves impossibly. So - we haven't called them for quite some time.
ReplyDeleteIt works the other way round too. When a friend of ours wasn't interested in our son at all, like "Oh no, I don't want to see your newborn baby because I'm out of that phase in my life." (And she does have two children of her own.) we took that as the last straw to end the friendship.
It's hard enough when I don't like my friends spouses. And I can't go around saying, "Well, I never liked qour husband anyway." Not until they're divorced maybe.
And yogamum, I tend to be judgmental too but maybe that's only because I am lucky to have a son who behaves beautifully in public.