To Be Or Not To Be

Are any of you good speechwriters? Citymama, one of BlogHer editors, just announced a wonderful contest. She wants bloggers to write an acceptance speech for the Academy Awards soiree: “If you were on that stage this year, who would you thank? Or not? Play yourself as yourself or play yourself as an actual nominee, make it serious, make it funny, we don't care.” What a lovely notion. I only wish I knew how to write a good speech.

My instant reaction was, “Yeah! I’ll give it a try!” The problem is that I was bedazzled by the contest prizes: FREE pass to either BlogHer Business '07 in New York or BlogHer '07 in Chicago (not that I could afford travelling or hotel expenses, but this is besides the point, I’d love to attend either conference). And, as all straight-A students, bridegrooms, retiring boss, mourning best friends know, bedazzlement doth not necessarily make a good speechwriter.

Right, it’s important not to focus on the win. But, how do you write a good speech?

Now, I learnt how to write a good thank-you letter when I was a child (here).

I even learnt how to express criticism:

E.g. Scenario: Your date arrives two hours late, and the wonderful meal you prepared is completely ruined. You’ve spent the last two hours going through so much “internal” dialogue that it makes that joke about the guy who wants to borrow a hammer from his neighbour (punch line: the guy storms over to his neighbour’s, bangs on the door, and screams at him “You can keep your %&##m* hammer!” to the clueless fellow) makes complete sense. So, in walks your date, do you say…

Choice A: You lousy so-and-so. You are always late. You are never ever on time. You are such a worthless swine.

Or,

Choice B: I am so mad, disappointed, and angry with you. When you show up late, it makes me feel totally useless. It is as if, your lateness is saying, “I don’t appreciate you”.

So, which one do you say. Choice B, naturally, or is that theoretically (never managed to get that straightened out), because with Choice B there is a slight chance for discussion. Whereas, with Choice A, the door to opportunity closes shut, as in airtight shut. The theory is that no one will react to Choice A by saying, “You are completely right! Do you have any suggestions about how I can change this: particularly in your present excited, aggravated frame of mind?”

And, somewhere along the line I learnt how to make a suggestion, proposal, or request:

1. No long convoluted build-up or preamble; this makes people suspicious, bored, or impatient
2. State clearly what you want person A to do for you.
3. Explain briefly why you want A to do B.
4. Explain the consequences if A does not do B.
5. If applicable, present a reasonable alternative solution or tactic, but only if it still ends up with you getting B.

The trick is to do the above gracefully, politely, and with honest intent.

Back to speechwriting… How does it work? Like baking a tasty homemade cake, I know there are common ingredients, but I just do not know what order to apply them or what quantities to use.

Germans love to make speeches: especially in forms of rhyming poems. (Germans also loving making homemade cakes.) You can’t imagine how many wedding receptions, silver wedding anniversaries, 60th birthday celebrations are accompanied with poems written by someone at the party. I was even at a gathering once, an asparagus festival (to be mentioned at a later post), where each table had to come up with a poem about asparagus before they would be served.

I do remember one marvellous acceptance speech that Emma Thompson gave. It might have been for the BAFTAs (sort of the British Oscars) for Sense & Sensibility.* Her acceptance speech, for Best Director, was written by Jane Austin; that is, as if Emma Thompson was accepting the award on Jane Austin’s part. It was brilliant. It showed so succinctly the following points:

• Ms. Thompson knew her audience; speaking up rather than speaking down to their intelligence
• She was able to say a few provocative things without giving offence
• She gracefully expressed gratitude to numerous people without droning on and on
• She shown golden by shinning the light on others

The think is, Emma Thompson is a brilliant screenwriter, director, actor, and possibly possesses every other talent a speechwriter could ever require. I might admire her, but I could not emulate her.

Dear readers of this blog, can you write me the proper ingredients, the order of application, and dosage for writing a good speech? I’d be ever so thankful. Otherwise I don’t have a chance in hell of ever winning the prize of the BlogHer contest. Alternatively, could you send me links to other acceptance speeches you’ve enjoyed in the past…

P.S. Turns out it was the Golden Globe Awards and I saw the speech on the Extra Features of the DVD.