This year's theme: Who am I?

 

This year's theme will be "Who am I?". Stay tuned for more...

Daring darling Dylan

 

Our daughter is about to start a job at the German Space Agency. Yup, you got it; she's found a unicorn job in her field of space security. Feeling so chuffed about this.

Tripped across this photo of her making her first attempt as a rocket pilot. Following valiantly beside her is her cousin Dylan. You cannot see it in the photo, but there is a long decline and she's picking up speed. 

Learning again

It has been years now since I used Photoshop and made collages, let alone used Illustrator to make vector graphics and layouts of documents. I feel this inclining to go back and learn again how to use these programs. It will be an upward slog, no doubt. 

So, I bought Affinity, which appears to be much the same and oh so much more affordable. 

It has taken me days to create the above on Affinity Photo. I drew the main parts as a cut-out and then sketched in the textures and patterns. I am going to make a paper-cut-out version of this for my visual diary.

In the 1990s, I had the idea of learning how to use Photoshop. At that time, there was no easy way to learn except to take very expensive courses at some institute, which was too much for my bank account, considering the price of Photoshop. 

So, I made a deal with the owner of a local graphic studio for whom I did some translating. We bartered my translating fees for one-on-one lessons with the owner. Now, all I have to do is go and watch tutorials on Skillshare.

Just me waiting for the dawn

It is dark outside
Christmas lights no longer shine
Household still sleeping.

Looking back over the year

My dear friend is sad

This year was so difficult

A folly to hope?

This past Christmas

Daughter visiting
There is a mess on the floor
Rearranged bookshelves! 

One step forward, two steps back

Last year, we miraculously had a Christmas with family and friends. This year, we are back to doing it on the fly again. You could say it's cancelled if you want to look at it pessimistically. Or, you can say we are doing it on 'low flame' if you are looking for a silver lining. Covid continues to find its way into our lives.

 
In those early months of the pandemic, winter of 2020, we hoped it would all be over by spring. I remember reading an article where some specialists said it would likely influence our lives for the next 5-6 years. At that time, I thought this impossible and despaired at such a grave prognosis. Now, I hope they were right and next year, the 5th year, we will have Christmas just as we want. 

Now the snow is melting

Tree branches soaked
An army of waterdrops
Such tiny mirrors.

A question of perspective

Two girls, two parents

The man wears dainty, bright bling

The wife's more subdued. 

Nostalgia

First snow has come

Crunching underneath my boots
Christmas can come now.

Thank you, to friends who travel afar

Japanese teapot

Steam rising from curved belly

Gift from a dear friend.

Why do dreams feel so real?

Terrible nightmare
Getting caught with my pants down

I'm so mortified.

The morning sky

Dawn colours the clouds
Outside my hotel window
Birds slowly fly by.

Business trip to Copenhagen

Will I remember the joy of spending time in hotel lobbies, waiting for colleagues to come down? Now that I am soon to retire, these experiences of going on business trips will no longer happen. I often go down to the lobby an hour early to drink a cup of tea and observe the going-ons.

In the world of business, folks feel very important, their movements in groups so purposeful. Late nights in the bar, they drink to wind down and get closer. Wanting these days to be special. Yet, come morning, three types of persons gather to face a further day together.

The ones who drank too much and said too much, Strangely, they feel no remorse. Long ago, they convinced themselves life was too short to look back with any regrets for their behaviour. Not even one day.

Then there are those who are woozy with a hangover-like state, something they haven't experienced since the last time they were on a business trip. They look contrite. Hoping the others do not think less of them, though they do of themselves.

The last are the Stranglers, those who returned to their rooms before "the fun started", having spoken an undefined, whispered excuse. They have absolutely no wish to connect over drinks with colleagues outside of office hours. They don't consider themselves anti-social, but whatever is happening at the bar is of no interest to them. They know they are considered different and are unhappy about not being a part of the blend. Still, they are happy in themselves.

Sitting in the lobby, I watch them flow out of the elevators. They are drawn to the nucleus of the first joiner, but after cursory greetings, they move back into ever-equidistant circles. The whiff of drunken joviality from the evening before dissipates quickly into the space between the hotel's sterile walls. It is business as usual.

(This post is part of my "Growing Up & Growing Old" project.)  

First morning of my last business trip

Opening my eyes
Sunrise over the harbour
I'll take my shower.

Danes and their butter - the last straw

I am having stomach problems. I'm not supposed to eat seeds, but being in Copenhagen makes this impossible! Chai, flax, regular sesame, black sesame, pumpkin, sunflower, and alfalfa seeds- you name it- are in every dish or snack I eat. I am reduced to eating the hotel's sourdough bread with their delicious Danish butter. Thankfully, there are no seeds.

Whenever I see butter, I think of Mons, Bent's brother, both who came on the trans-Atlantic crossing with Dave, my father, and me. 

We were taking four months to sail the boat from Scotland over to Grenada. Each stage of the trip, Dave would invite a few friends to come along. He and I were the only constants.

The crossing over from Gran Canary was going to be the longest and so, Dave only wanted a small crew. He would be captain, and a good friend of his, Bent, would be his backup. Bent, who is Danish-Canadia, asks Dave if he can bring his brother, Mons, along. He paints a good picture of how easy going and fun it would be to have Mons along.

This all sounds good to me. Especially having Bent along because besides being an airplane pilot, Bent is a competitive 470s racer and has taken part in regattas around the world. The only problem with Bent is he can only go below deck to lie down and sleep. He gets seasick if he stands up, for instance, to cook or sits at the table to eat. So, no sous chef for Bent.

 
It's no problem. He and Dave make an excellent team navigating the boat in the right direction. They are using sextants and compass settings, and hell, it's no big deal if they lose a day or two of readings. There's nothing to hit in front of us anyway.

(Note: It is the end of the 1980s, and we are trying out one of the first GPS systems. Reception is sporadic, but Dave is excited because it has a fantastic accuracy of ± one sea mile. How crazy is that? (I really wish he could see smartphones and google maps now.))

So that leaves Mons as co-chef. I have done all the provisioning, so every storage space or cubby hole is filled to the brim with fresh food, canned and boxed produce, and French wines. The meal plan is stuck to the refrigerator with a magnet.

Weeks ago, Dave assured me that he had "the talk" with Bent about Mons having to cook during the trip. Good, tasty meals are second to good navigation on a long journey. Actually, a bit of sloppy navigation can be tolerated. Bad-to-meh food, never. So, I am anxious to know how good a cook Mons is.

I sent Dave a list of instructions about our meals to pass on to them:

• We'll have vegetarian meals unless we catch fish.
• If we catch fish, we eat it fresh and stretch it (e.g. fish chowder) until all of its loveliness is gone.
• I (the main chef) and Mons (the co-chef) will work together. We will alternate days cooking breakfast. Whoever cooks cleans. I will cook all the dinners. Mons will help chop up vegetables, if needed, and do all the cleaning up.
• Everyone is responsible for making their lunches. You can use anything in the refrigerator to make your lunch. 
• If you want to take anything from the storage cupboards or freezer, ask me first. This prevents anyone from eating a necessary component of tomorrow's dinner.
• Only one bottle of wine is served at dinner. No matter how many of us are drinking or how great the conversation is... one bottle per evening.
• Anyone wanting to drink fancy coffee must bring enough for everyone. Otherwise, normal filter coffee bought at the local grocery store is served.

All the crews members who came on and off the boat, as we sailed down from Scotland to Gran Canary adhered to these rules, and everyone seemed to enjoy the food.

Bent and Mons arrive on the morning we are due to leave on the trans-Atlantic crossing. After bringing their luggage to the forward cabin, Mons comes back to the main cabin with his arms filled with, I kid you not, 15 kgs of vacuum-packed smoked hams, meat slices, and various cuts of venison.

 
I'm momentarily speechless. "Did you not get the note about how I am responsible for provisioning the boat and planning all the meals?" 

"Oh, I thought it would be nice to bring something special. I love meat. Don't you? Where should I put all this?" he asks naively.

 
I mentally review all the storage spaces packed to the rim with delectables. "You can stash the meat in your luggage storage space or under your pillow, for all I care," I answer back, annoyed. Mons and I have obviously gotten off on the wrong foot.

Once we leave the harbour and share the excitement of being on our way, I calm down, so I suggest he and I sit down and look at the meal plan to better understand what he's to cook. "I can't cook", he says. He seems stunned that I would ask. "Can't cook! You can't cook at all?" I'm beginning to panic. "Didn't Bent tell you that you are supposed to cook?" He looks back at me blankly.

"Are you at least an experienced sailor?" He continues to look puzzled. "I have sailed a little, but never on a boat this size and never on the ocean." Without realizing it,  a "Then why are you here?" slips out of my mouth. He puts on a puppy-dog expression and says, "I'm going through a messy divorce. Bent thought the trip would help me get my mind off things." Men!

On my way down to the aft cabin, my cabin, I pass Dave. "Did you know Mons cannot cook?" Dave looks up from the chart. "He can't cook at all?" I respond with, "Nada." There's a very pregnant silence weighing between us. "Wow" is all Dave gives me in the way of an apology. Obviously, he didn't have "the talk" with Bent.

Furious, it takes all my control not to slam the door to my cabin. I put on some calming music and open the aft porthole. My fury begins to stretch in different directions. One finger points at Dave, who never gets phased and seemingly instantly has gone over to Plan B - let Lia do all the cooking. Then there is Bent, a long-term buddy of Dave's. In his oversimplistic life, how could he invite his brother, who is obviously a Depp or idiot? But the middle finger of my wrath points directly at Mons.

 
He'll be total ballast on this stretch of the journey. One I've been so looking forward to. I tried to look at the situation from another perspective. Under what circumstances would I be willing to cater to everyone's needs and do all of the cooking, without carrying any resentment?

I think long and hard. I take a power nap. I put on some Kieth Garret. Then it comes to me in one fell swoop.

I go up to the cockpit where the three men are sitting. "Hey, guys, since it looks like I will have to do all of the cooking, I'd like to set some new rules. I will do all of the cooking- breakfast and dinner- and Mons will do the clean-up." I continue, "Breakfast will be at eight in the morning, and dinner will be at six o'clock."

They all nod their heads. I smile. "Normally, we each do three watches during every 24-hour period. This includes a night watch. I will do two watches, not three. The first will be from 4 a.m. to 6 a.m., and the second from 8 p.m. to 10 p.m. You can work out the other watches among yourselves." There are more nods.

"And lastly, you have to make your own coffee. I do not want to feel like I am your waitress on this trip." Satisfied that they understood the message. I go below to make dinner.

So, what does this have to do with Danes and their butter?

Well, once I have negotiated the conditions above, I think everything will be okay. I will see every sunrise, be in bed at 10 o'clock, and have plenty of time to cook without anyone getting in my way. Sounds sweet.

As the days passed, we get into the rhythm of things. That is until ten days into the crossing. I open the freezer to take out a package of butter since none is left in the refrigerator. No matter how deep I dig, I can't find any.

I am sure I bought four packages- one per week for those who want butter on their sandwiches or omelettes for lunch. We don't need more because I always cook with oil.

I look over at the guys. "Has anyone seen the butter?" Mons looks up from his book, "I ate what I could find. Do you have any more?" Flabbergasted, I asked, "You ate the butter in the refrigerator and the three packages from the freezer? Without telling me? You ate four packages of butter in ten days?" He looks chagrined and tries to make light of the matter. "You know the Danes; we believe you should put so much butter on your bread your toothmarks show when you take a bite!"

Without a word, I turn and head back to the aft cabin. I know it isn't such a big deal. The guys can use mayonnaise and mustard on their sandwiches. Then again, I know the incident with the butter is the last straw. Mons is officially dead meat to me, just like the 15 kgs stashed in the forward cabin.

(This post is part of my "Growing Up & Growing Old" project.)  

A whiff of fighting spirit

It is that time of year that I dread the most. November. 

I have taken out from the back of our closet some fairy lights and surrounded the bronze Buddha head, shells, and two glass candle holders on the windowsill with them. Giui comments that it is a bit early for Christmas. 

It really doesn't matter; any tactic to starve off the winter blues is fine with me.

Sommer Wehmut / Summer Melancholy

Leaves drop in silence 
Winter boots stomp upon them 
Time sweeps all away.

Why not?

It started as a bet. My boss dared me to dye my hair bright red, like Leeloo in the movie "The 5th Element". One of my heroes. She, more than Bruce Willis' character, draws me back over and over again to see the movie. 

Of course, I cannot be Leeloo, the beautiful young alien who just arrived on Earth. That isn't my intent. My main concern is that if I do the dare, I do not want to be the brunt of a public joke. To do such a radical act could be a breach of contract with myself. For decades, all I have ever wanted was to be me inside and out. 

Yet, over the last few years, when I have travelled to the east coast of the States, Dubai, and Singapore, I have seen many women stemming the tides of time: older women trying to look younger. All of the plastic surgery, hair extensions, facial peelings, botox, hair dyes, and make-up seem, in my eyes, to etch away the life experience engravings from their faces. I question why they spend so much money and effort to slow down the inevitable. 30-year-olds try to look in their 20s, 40- year-olds 30, 50-year-olds 40, etc. Doesn't all that stretching, taping, and tucking masquerade the beauty of who they are evolving into? What does that feel like?

So, as an experiment, I take the dare. The transformation is an enjoyable experience. Two hours of creating a "before and after." My young hairdresser has the same hair tone. She has worn it for four years now. She says it has become who she is when she looks in the mirror. It has become a part of her identity.

 
It has been fun to see the reactions from colleagues and friends. They understand it is a lark. But, it is the loving looks in the eyes of my family that make this experiment worth the discomfort of being an older Leeloo for a few weeks. 

Even now, only a week into this transformation, I have learnt a valuable lesson. Looking in the mirror at who I am today, I do not want to see who I wanted to be back then or never was. Instead, I want to see who I am today, naked and vulnerable, being one day closer to becoming old. It is a gift... time to age.

(This post is part of my "Growing Up & Growing Old" project.)  

A symptom of old age

Full moon shines brightly
In the middle of the night
I get up to pee.

(This post is part of my "Growing Up & Growing Old" project.)