As someone who has suffered from insomnia for most of my adult life, I could write volumes about my search for sleep and the hundreds of things I have tried to get a good night's rest. Instead of boring you with all the highs and lows, I will simply outline a few ideas about identifying what kind of bad sleeper you are and what you might experiment with to catch a good night's sleep.
None of what I say is meant to be scientific advice, although my approach is based on the principles of natural science. Research, experiment, analyse the results, discard what doesn't work and try again. It is a never-ending process.
The one thing I would suggest is not to change too much at the same time. Otherwise, you won't be able to tell what is truly helping and what isn't. You certainly don't want to get carried away in the voodoo dance that sleep deprivation can create.
First, you have to figure out the root of why you are a bad sleeper. There seem to be numerous possibilities: your brain is fried but your body is restless, hormonal swings, an ADHD brain, or a whole battery of worries about your children, your marriage or your job. Each of these concerns may require a different approach.
If your brain is running on empty but your body is restless, you might find that some physical activity in the evening helps tire it out. For other causes, you might need to slow things down, do some light exercises to relax your body, go for a walk or take a hot shower. Are you going to bed feeling sleepy, or simply because you're exhausted from all the troubles of the day?
Years ago, Julien gave me a book with a title something like What Science Knows About Sleep. It was written for an American audience familiar with the "I can get by on three hours of sleep" bravado. The tone of the book was sobering, but it was the findings of the sleep studies that really frightened me.
The message I took away was that regularly sleeping too little can have serious consequences for our long-term health. The book emphasised the importance of getting somewhere between seven and nine hours of sleep a night.
As someone who had rarely managed more than five or six hours, the book shocked me into action. It made me realise just how important sleep is to my health and longevity. I embarked on a long journey of researching, experimenting, evaluating and discarding all sorts of activities, routines, alternative medicines and various sleep medications.
I have taken a low dose of an antidepressant for years now. Neither my doctor nor I are entirely convinced that it really helps, but I continue taking it because, whenever I have stopped, my lack of sleep has become worse. Yet, taking it certainly doesn't guarantee a good night's sleep. One reason my doctor and I chose this treatment rather than conventional sleeping pills was concern about dependence. I have a deep rooted fear about addiction.
Hormonal changes, including those around perimenopause, really affected my sleep. Being pregnant and giving birth to Sara in my late thirties propelled me into perimenopause. I tried various supplements and treatments, although their effectiveness varied.
Whether the root of your problem is hormonal, ADHD-related or constant stress, it is worth discussing persistent sleep difficulties with your doctor. Medication isn't necessarily a cure, but it may help.
In the end, there is no single pill that will miraculously gift you a good night's sleep. You have to look at the rhythm and circumstances of your day when considering how your night's rest might unfold.
Unsurprisingly, if your day is hectic and stressful, there is a good chance your sleep will be as well.
One of the fascinating things I read was that sleep isn't simply a means of tuning out. It is also an important time for learning and memory. Those hours of sleeping and dreaming help our brains process information and experiences. In a sense, it is a time when our brains connect the dots.
Once I began to appreciate this, I started giving myself the gift of going to bed early. My logic was that if I couldn't guarantee quality sleep, at least I could give my body and brain a consistent opportunity to rest.
So, instead of collapsing exhausted into bed at ten or ten thirty, I started preparing for bed around eight o'clock and was tucked in by nine at the latest.
Admittedly, this is an impossible routine for anyone whose social life or marriage normally happens after the children are in bed. Yet giving myself nine or ten hours in which to rest has been a game changer.
For years, I approached sleep as something I had to achieve. Every bad night felt like a failure, and the harder I tried to fall asleep, the more elusive it became. I would lie awake calculating how many hours were left before morning, becoming increasingly frustrated as the night slipped away. The worry about not sleeping became almost as exhausting as the sleeplessness itself.
Over the last years, I have begun to change my attitude. I can no longer force myself to sleep, but I can give myself the time and conditions in which sleep might come. Instead of seeing the night as a battle I have to win, I try to accept it as an opportunity to rest. This doesn't mean I have made peace with insomnia. There are still nights when I feel utterly exasperated, tossing and turning, desperately wishing I could switch off my brain. But I am learning not to make matters worse by getting angry with myself.
Even if I have a bad night with little or no sleep, I can usually accept it with a modicum of equanimity. I know that I have hours in which I can be quiet, read or simply enjoy time to myself. It is a subtle change, but an important one. I no longer have to measure the success of every night solely by the number of hours I have slept.
If I am awake for longer stretches, I read. Mainly children's books or books I have reread numerous times. Their familiarity brings comfort to my whirling stream of thoughts.
I have also experimented with white noise, ambient sounds and audiobooks, but reading tends to yield the best results. There is something to be said for listening to familiar sounds or stories deep in the night, although I have found that what works one evening doesn't necessarily work the next.
As I mentioned before, you need to be conscientious about how you cross the bridge between your hectic day and a peaceful night. If your nights are regularly interrupted by children, your bedtime ritual may be one of the few routines you have some control over.
You can prepare yourself for a good night's rest, much as you might warm up before a demanding activity.
I follow what is often called the three-two-one rule. No eating three hours before going to bed. No screens two hours before. No drinking for one hour before. These are personal guidelines that I find useful, rather than rules that I think everyone should follow.
I also love taking a shower beforehand, washing away the daily stress. It is an ideal way to pamper myself.
Before going to bed, I usually listen to a lovely, suspense-free audiobook. At the moment, I am listening to a fantastic reading of Buddenbrooks by Thomas Mann. Twenty-seven hours of nothing and everything happening at the same time. I know that the moment I finish listening, I will start again. It will be my winter nighttime story.
Once in bed, I read until I fall asleep. I prefer reading on my Kindle because its light lets me read without turning on the bedside lamp. It turns itself off, and if I wake up during the night, I can easily continue where I left off. Depending on my mood, I can choose a book from my library that suits whatever I am feeling.
So that is all I wanted to say about sleep.
Try to understand the possible physiological or psychological reasons behind your inability to sleep. If necessary, talk to your doctor and consider whether treatment the suggest. Create an evening ritual that allows you to leave your day gently, so you can begin your night well.
Above all, take care of yourself by giving yourself time to rest. Time that belongs entirely to you.
Sleep is second only to breathing, something fundamental to living a long and good life.
