Don't you love it!

Mother in hijab
Alone with her three young sons
Steering an e-boat.

Not playing by the rules

In January, I took a fascinating ten-day course offered by Alison Jones called, The 10-day Business Book Proposal Challenge. The course was fabulous and resulted in my writing a book proposal for my book, which I would never have been able to do without taking the course.  Jones, a publisher herself, walked us step-by-step through this document, explaining what is needed from a publisher’s perspective.

 
My resulting book proposal is a very solid first draft. I would recommend the course to anyone wanting to write a non-fiction business book, or even, as in my case, a creative non-fiction book, whether you are going to seek a publisher or self-publish.

It was very challenging to write a book proposal about a book that was, at that time, only in my head. Yet the process has helped me enormously now that I have started writing the book.

I have continued to ruminate on Jones’ insights into the world of publishing and about being a first-time author. I did not know whether to seek a publisher or self-publish. It took a conversation with my son to make up my mind. He’s a solution architect, i.e., a computer scientist, and not an author. This made his perspective even more intriguing to me because I have also not yet published a book.

His advice was to self-publish. He suggested I pay a freelance editor and layouter and not worry about branding and marketing the book. He also said that the bottom line is that if 30 people end up reading my book, that’s fine. There is no correlation between the number of readers you have and the book's worth.
He believes, much in the way that is happening on social media, that bookshelves will soon become inundated with AI-generated books. This will, for a while, make it difficult for readers to find books written by human authors, other than those who already have a name. The probability of a first-time author finding a large readership with their first book is small.

There is also the reality that publishers, who give their heart and soul to publishing books, are no longer able to do much more than carry the editing, layout, and printing costs. There is an expectation from their side that you, as a new author, will dedicate a fair amount of your time each day to setting the stage, as it were, while you are writing the book.

Then, in the days leading up to the book launch, and in the weeks and months afterwards, you work full-time writing blog articles, getting yourself invited onto podcasts, and writing editorials or articles for online magazines or newspapers. Much in the way actors are expected to do the circuit when a film they perform in premieres, most writers now have to enter this circuit as well.

I think my friend, Charlotte, did a brilliant job of marketing of her new book, We Need New Leaders. She probably surpassed the expectations of her publisher. It was inspiring to witness.

Even though we have been friends for over twenty years, she still has the capacity to awe me. The way she stepped up to writing the book in six months, handled all the marketing and sales, and turned it into a bestseller was amazing. Yet, her journey made me realise how little I am presently capable of, or willing to, follow the same path.

This does not mean that I will not approach publishers. Never say never. Rather, my plans for the moment are to consult with a publisher, pay an editor to do the final edit, hire a graphic designer for the cover page, and probably do the layout myself. It will be an interesting and less costly process.

Less costly because, as a first-time author trying to get a publisher interested in taking on your book, the book not only has to fit within the scope of their catalogue, but you also have to say upfront how many hundreds of copies you are willing to buy from the run of the first print. The more you are willing to buy, the more likely they are to take your book on. I did some research and believe the upfront costs of self-publishing are on par with those of working with a smaller publisher.

It is such a paradox. Even before writing my book, I am getting tangled in a game I know I have little talent for. Is it possible to write a book the old way? To take this time in my life and dedicate it to mastering the art of writing?

Not as an act of self-indulgence, but as a creative practice. One I have carried out behind closed doors my whole life.

It has been a fascinating six months learning about the publishing world and how first-time writers can successfully publish their books. For now, though, I will take my son's advice and write the book and self-publish, knowing that the book may only be read by a few people, but hopefully loved by those who do.

By the pool house

I remember the lime tree growing precariously on a small patch of grass that sloped down to the lip of the cliff. Waves broke sonorously over the reef, exposing its coral tips when the tide was low. Salted winds roared up the cliffside and over the edge, drawing the moisture from the grass and curling the fallen leaves. Only the green limes survived the battering of the elements.

The sugar pot on the corner table

Sitting at the corner table of her favourite café with one of her friends, she listens attentively to what her friend is saying, all the while sipping her tea as punctuation. The quiet within her body resembles that of a brooding hen.

Her friend folds out all her despair onto the table: the hateful words her lover spoke, how the situation had escalated into a full-blown, almighty fight, the hurt, the pleading, the slammed door, the grabbing of keys, and the sound of the car engine as he drove away. The silence of his not picking up his phone.

Her friend recounts every detail, as if rubbing away a stain that will not disappear. “Out, damned spot, out, I say!”

She is at a loss as to what she can say to her friend. She who has never loved before, never allowed herself the indulgence of deep despair or blissful pleasure. Her mind wanders away from the stream of words her friend is speaking in her direction, but not to her.

As if her friend notices the lull in attention, she stops talking and looks over, waiting for some words of consolation. She moves her gaze away from wherever it had wandered and back in the direction of her friend’s dilemma.

She accidentally tips over the sugar pot. Her friend continues talking while she scoops up the sugar and places it back into the pot.

The man outside the bakery

His morning routine passes by slowly with the ticking of the grandfather clock standing in the corner of his miniature living room.

Tick. He feeds his dog, a miniature poodle. Tock. He opens the two small windows in his tiny, dark, low-ceiling apartment, all the while the dog pit-pats beside him. Tick. Time to do a cat’s wash. Tock. He makes his bed. Tick. He gets dressed. Tock. He waters his plants. Tick. He puts on his jacket and swoops up his dog, cuddling it in the crook of his left elbow next to his beating heart.

His dishevelled looks and formless clothes speak of elder neglect and loneliness. The health of his dog and the tenderness of their relationship tell another story. Slowly, he walks across the street and sits in the corner seat outside the Turkish bakery.

At this time of day, there is no one else sitting outside at the bakery, only a constant stream of kids on their way to school, as well as adults heading to work. The old man sits there patiently with his dog on his lap, watching the neighbourhood waking to the day.

When there is finally a lull at the bakery, someone comes out with a cup of filter coffee, two sugars, and a dash of cream, and places it in front of the man. He gives a short greeting and hands over a two-euro coin. The two spend a few minutes chatting until a group of school kids, almost late for school, rush in to buy their bread rolls.

Sometime later, when tired shoppers or other older people begin to sit outdoors at the bakery’s tables, the old man and his dog go back home, leaving the empty coffee cup behind.

I meet you… in the sea.

You are full of joy. You greet the waves like old friends as you swim.

 
Blue is your favourite colour.

 
You let go and enjoy being carried.

 
I am afraid when I can no longer see the ground beneath me. The vastness and depth of the water make me uneasy. But you lie calmly on the surface and let it move around you. No worries about what lies below. You trust.

 
You tell me, “It’s so beautiful to be carried by the water. Let yourself be carried.” I take it to heart.

Today I can swim in deep blue water. I can jump bravely from a boat into the sea. I have taken your words to heart, just as I have taken your love for the sea. It lives in me now. And every time I swim in the sea, I think of you.

Written by Lisi Sperber
Photo by Evan Bollag on Unsplash 

I meet you… by my childhood bed.

It is after 10 p.m. Too late for a child my age, but you allow it.

 
My head rests on the cuddle blanket. It smells like me. (I only realise that much later.) You gently stroke my back. 
We talk about the day that has passed. Maybe also about the one to come.

 
At some point I grow quieter. Sleep comes soon.

You wish me good night. Again and again.

 
For so many evenings. I feel safe.

Written by Lisi Sperber
 Photo by ashley on Unsplash

I meet you… on the sofa.

Knitting.

 
On the far-right corner of the sofa. Your corner. Beside your sewing box and your basket of yarn. Under the soft light.

 
You have something on the television.

 
You’re keeping yourself informed with news and documentaries, but you like to look at something to laugh to as well. Now and then, Franconian expressions of disbelief or outrage slip into the room.

 
Your grey knitting needles click together. You knit almost without thinking. Socks. Following Marianne’s pattern.

 
Though you haven’t needed the pattern for a long time. By now, your socks are spread all across Erlangen and beyond.

 
Everywhere, a piece of you keeps the feet of many dear people warm.

Written by Lisi Sperber
Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

I meet you… playing Schafkopf.

Four of you are at the table. With a cheeky smile on your face, you lean back easily in your chair.

 
Your Franconian sayings make me laugh. You play with a kind of ease and confidence. No long thinking, no dwelling on missed chances. At least once in every round comes a firm, “Nachgekaddelt wird net!”

And, you don’t even deny it, you like to peek at the other players’ cards. Which makes your advice on what should be played even more helpful.

 
Everyone somehow tolerates it. You do it with such charming cheek that no one can really object.

 
And again and again, an almost outrageously bold laugh escapes you.

While playing, I see a different side of you. Not the sensible mother, but the mischievous, carefree Maria. It brings me joy to see you like this.

 
One day, I want to play Schafkopf with the same confidence.

 
Maybe with a little less cheating.

Written by Lisi Sperber
Photo by Sven Ciupka on Unsplash

I meet you… at yoga.

Wednesday evening. On your red mat.

 
In winter, on the one with the sheepskin. 

At Marga’s class, just five minutes away by bike.

 
I got my flexibility from you. You move easily into downward dog and pedal your feet. You like the relief it gives your back.

 
But what you love most is curling up on your back like a ball and gently rocking from side to side.

 
Only now do I realise that you were often quite tired after the day. That you wanted to relax. Not to have to exert yourself too much, even in yoga. Your energy often seemed endless, but on the mat, you were looking for calm and rest.

I would have liked to know what you were thinking about, or whether you were able to switch your mind off.

 
You brought yoga into my life. It stays with me almost every day now.

 
Often, when I’m on the mat, I think of you.

Written by Lisi Sperber

Photo by Sweetyoga Justine on Unsplash

I meet you… behind the wheel.

You’re driving the dragon-green Sharan.

 
The roads wind in curves through the Italian landscape. 
The Tarzan soundtrack is playing; Phil Collins is singing. I have the window down on the passenger side.

 
You’re driving a bit too fast and everyone except you is a little afraid. You’re having fun and laughing out loud. 

Cheeky. Young. Carefree.

 
The wind brushes over my sun-browned, salty skin and the air smells of macchia.

 
I feel free and full of joy for life. Yours has rubbed off on me.

Written by Lisi Sperber
Photo by Marco Conzadori on Unsplash

I meet you… by the pond.

In every season. But you prefer it in the sunshine; the cold wind doesn’t suit you.

It matters to you to get outside a little every day and keep moving.

The loop around the pond has become a ritual. “Shall we do the short round or the long one? Oh, come on, the long one—we have time.”

 
Often, we talk through heavier things while walking, because the conversation flows more easily. So much so, that when I suggest an innocent walk, you sometimes grow a little suspicious: is there something bad to share?

 
Sometimes it isn’t about talking at all, but about noticing what has changed in this familiar landscape since our last walk together. A kind of mindfulness practice. Has a tree begun to bud yet? Has the pond been drained? Are the swans nesting again? How many cygnets are there this year?

Even though you’ve probably walked the same path hundreds of times, you always have a sense of wonder for the small things, finding joy in recognition, in seeing them again, in the natural world.

Written by Lisi Sperber

Photo by Nikolay Loubet on Unsplash

I’ll meet you… in the hammock.

Under the apple tree. It’s in bloom. The tomcat in front of you on the grass. You’re listening to an audiobook or sleeping. It’s one of your favourite places to be. 

You helped create it. Spent decades here. 

After all the children’s noise of past decades, there is more quiet in the garden now. You appreciate that fully and with deep-hearted awareness. 

I’m sure of it. You’ve told me that often. 

How beautiful the garden is. How safe it feels in the hammock. You take the time to rest. You’ve always done that. That’s something I learned from you.

Written by Lisi Sperber
 Photo by Esther Masscheleyn on Unsplash

I meet you… on the terrace.

With coffee. A latte macchiato, of course, with the layers neatly separated. 

You’re wrapped up in your winter jacket. It’s cold, but the sun is shining.

 
The garden is still quite bare. I like it anyway. And I like that I get to share your ritual.

You’ve propped your feet up on the chair opposite, still in your Birkenstocks. You take a sip of coffee with quiet enjoyment.

I don’t think you really need the caffeine, but you use the coffee as a reason to pause. As time for yourself. To breathe between one part of the day and the next. You sort through your thoughts, but rarely speak them out loud.

Afterwards, there is a short nap. Then you carry on.
You make use of the day. You keep yourself occupied.

Until the next pause.

Written by Lisi Sperber

Photo by Artiom Grishenkov on Unsplash

I meet you… on your bicycle.

Your way of getting around. Every day. Often several times.

When we ride together, I sometimes speed ahead in youthful high spirits or to prove how fast I am. 

Sometimes that annoys you, but mostly you don’t let it unsettle you. 

You are a steady rider. You like to chat while cycling. 
On the way into town, you often run into people you know in the Wiesengrund. 

On longer rides, you don’t enjoy cycling uphill, but you rarely get off to push, you keep pedalling steadily.

You take pleasure in riding. When the bike rolls, you feel the wind and the speed. You like moving forward under your own power. 

The bicycle is simply part of your everyday life.

Written by Lisi Sperber

Photo by Richard Ludwig on Unsplash

I meet you at… the breakfast table.

You wake up before everyone else. You go and get the newspaper outside our front door, set the table, and make black tea. In the white pot with the slender bamboo handle that always drips a little when you pour. We call her “Pinkelbirte.”

Last night you baked a cheesecake. The kitchen still smells of it. Now you eat a piece of cheesecake for breakfast. You don’t question whether it’s good or healthy. You’ve been doing this for a long time. It simply tastes too good.

You welcome me with a smile when I come down the stairs. I feel seen and loved. This is home.

 
Written by Lisi Sperber
 Photo by DFY® 디에프와이 on Unsplash

Certainly worth celebrating

After months and months of hearing my body scream and my bones creak, I woke this morning in silence.

Christmas lights blinking in my brain

 

 
As I was travelling on a train to and from Kiel the other day, I listened to this brilliant podcast with Trevor Noah, Eugene Khoza, and Vic Mensa. What I enjoy so much about their conversation is the depth and breadth of the topics they explore, the warm camaraderie they share, and their genuine curiosity to follow ideas wherever they lead. There is also a willingness to change their opinions, or at least to do some careful pruning of their tree of knowledge.
 
I have always been someone who likes to listen in on other people’s conversations. A group of friends sitting next to me on a train, or a couple on a date at the next table while I am eating alone in a restaurant. I am constantly making up stories about interesting-looking people while people-watching. So having the opportunity to be a fly on the wall and listen to Noah and Khoza talk with Mensa felt like someone had switched on Christmas tree lights in my brain.
 
More so than with other podcasts I follow, I generally find myself drawn in every time I listen to the podcast. Perhaps it is the dynamic between these close friends, their repartee, and their apparent lack of agenda. It creates a kind of magic that puts their guests at ease and invites a simple, unspoken agreement: let us entertain each other.
 
The person being interviewed does not have to perform. They simply have to relax. They are not required to be funny, wise, or overly knowledgeable. They are there because Noah and Khoza are genuinely delighted to have them sitting at the same table as them, and they want to hear their guest’s experiences and stories, however long it takes.
 
It is no surprise that this approach puts their guests at ease. And then, the magic happens.

While on a train to Kiel

Travelling up north
Rapeseed fields and lakes with swans
A poem passes by.

Yes, hallelujah!

While gazing out the train window at the passing rapeseed fields, I wonder how that bright yellow seems to reach up into the blue of the sky. It is as if the yellow of those fields, together with the sun’s rays, transforms the eggshell blue-grey of the winter sky and punches it with a hallelujah: spring is here!

Photo by Gianmarco Avigni on Unsplash