Not rocket science

Not watching YouTube
Opens up endless hours
And time for writing.

Creative Collaboration

Long, long ago, I wrote numerous children’s stories, which I tried unsuccessfully to sell to publishers. Fortunately, it is possible now to engage children’s book illustrators, editors and proofreaders directly and work with them in close collaboration and then self-publish the books. So, I decided it was time to give one of my old stories another chance.

To this end, I started working with Josi, a children’s book illustrator. We are working together on one of my stories, Tornado Tilly. A tale of a lively, curious girl who is a master of chaos in her parents’ lives.

Since Josi has never worked with an engineer-at-heart author, we spent time building a framework for our collaboration. We discussed how we wanted to find the balance between structure and freedom. First, we talked about our expectations: the when, where, who, what, why and how of our working process.

Then we discussed her past collaborations, highlighting what had run smoothly, what had not gone well and what had been missing.

Fortunately, the collaborations had been pleasant experiences for her. Her input was asked for right from the beginning of each project, and she felt her artistic talent was valued. If there was anything that made the collaborations difficult for her, it was lack of qualitative feedback throughout the projects. She was more or less left alone with all her creative decisions. This meant that the momentum on the projects did not organically grow from a garden of lively exchange, as much as it was her throwing ideas into an echo chamber and running against time to meet deadlines. (To make it clear, these are my interpretations derived from our conversations, and not any complaints coming from her side.)

We realised that gathering and sustaining momentum would be a key contributing factor to bringing our project to a successful close. This potentially could be a problem since we both wanted to work on other projects at the same time as Tornado Tilly. These other projects had priority, though we were clear that Tilly was important. We knew that we needed to find time and creative space for Tilly and not let our other projects overshadow the work on the book.

So, right from the beginning we met online or at the fabulous central library in Hamburg every few weeks to look at what Josi had completed since the last time. The progress has not been linear or steady, but more like how a child grows, in short spurts and unexpected leaps. It really does not matter how much or how little Josi has done; our meetings rekindle the fire under the project. This is the first of hopefully further collaborations, so there is a tenderness, a kindness in the way we work together that we want to protect.

The first thing we did was to create a style guide. Together, we defined a colour palette, perspectives of the illustrations, and the styles of the characters and backgrounds. For this, we looked at various children’s books we adore. Analysing what sort of styles produced what sort of emotions.

Next, we created an initial storyboard. I’ve worked with storyboards the past as a content developer of e-learning modules and instructional videos. Yet, making the one for Tilly was the most fun. Josi originally drew the double-page spreads on paper the size of what the book is to be. She then digitised the drawings, so it was possible to iterate on it as we became clearer about how to visually tell the story. Ideas danced onto the storyboard as lines scribbled over on top of each other.

Before actually making any sketches, Josi needed time to understand what Tilly looked like and how she moved. She decided she wanted to experiment with a more abstract style, so it took a while before Tilly found her form. In my mind, Tilly resembles my adopted granddaughter, Wian. I told Josi stories of Wian and funny anecdotes about her when she was the age of Tilly.

Tilly was not to look like my granddaughter; she just needed her spark. A child filled with unrestrained curiosity and energy. I loved seeing how Josi was able to bring to life a character who, even when sitting, vibrates with vivaciousness.

Over the last months, Josi has completed black-and-white sketches of all the spreads and has started colouring a few. It is quite miraculous how she has taken over the telling of Tilly. Her drawings tell a grander tale than is possible through words. Her work has changed how I understand the story.

What I appreciate is the fact that she uses me as a sounding board at various stages along the way.

As mentioned, one of the things she missed in her previous collaborations was qualitative feedback. For this reason, we have made our approach intentionally specific. When she uploads new drawings, she tells me what she wants me to concentrate on. Not “Do you like it?” but more “Is her movement playful?” or “Could her facial expression be more abstract?” Pinpointing what to focus on emboldens me to freely tell her what hits and what confuses.

We are far enough into the book that Josi wants to start designing the cover. Yesterday, we met at Hamburg’s central library and perused their children’s literature department. I had this idea to get inspired about covers by making it into a game. We wandered through the bookshelves and found book covers we loved, as well as a slew we felt were awful.

We went with our stack of books and in the library’s café with our treasures, discussing what we liked or disliked about each book. We had a ranking system, as well as wrote down comments on each. I was able to put all the information into a document for Josi to use in the next while.

We have agreed that she will make three possible cover sketches, which I will send to various friends for their opinion. I am also considering making a poll for those of you who read my Substack. Whether this will help or hinder the process remains to be seen. Undoubtedly, receiving input will be fun.

If all goes well, sometime towards the end of this year or the beginning of the next, Josi will finish the first draft. We will send this version to a cackle of beta readers, both children and adults alike. If any of you would enjoy giving us feedback, or you have children or grandchildren who would give us their opinion on the book, please put your hand up. The more people we can involve, the more joy we will infuse into the book.

There is still a long way to go before we set the book out into the world, but I know it will happen and the book will be a delight to read. Somehow, all the joy and fun of Josi’s and my collaboration is bound to shine through in the illustrations and the story. While working on Tornado Tilly we have also created a bond that is special to us both, which is a precious gift indeed.

#booksIlove: Lessons In Chemistry

Title: Lessons In Chemistry, by Bonnie Garmus
First time I read the book: 2026

  
A wonderful recommendation from Nerida. We were talking about authors who started writing and publishing books later in life. Garmus was in her mid-sixties when this pearl of a book debuted. 

What I find fascinating is how Garmus tells a story of Pat's generation of women. How most women worked until they married. They focused on appeasing the egos of their male colleagues, often at the cost of showing solidarity to their female colleagues.  

Elizabeth Zott, the main character, constantly has doors shut in her face while trying to pursue a career as a chemist. Her story is so relatable and not all that much different than the early years of my career.

I loved Elizabeth and the characters who befriend her along the way. They all have so much heart. 

Elusive sleep

As someone who has suffered from insomnia for most of my adult life, I could write volumes about my search for sleep and the hundreds of things I have tried to get a good night's rest. Instead of boring you with all the highs and lows, I will simply outline a few ideas about identifying what kind of bad sleeper you are and what you might experiment with to catch a good night's sleep.

None of what I say is meant to be scientific advice, although my approach is based on the principles of natural science. Research, experiment, analyse the results, discard what doesn't work and try again. It is a never-ending process.

The one thing I would suggest is not to change too much at the same time. Otherwise, you won't be able to tell what is truly helping and what isn't. You certainly don't want to get carried away in the voodoo dance that sleep deprivation can create.

First, you have to figure out the root of why you are a bad sleeper. There seem to be numerous possibilities: your brain is fried but your body is restless, hormonal swings, an ADHD brain, or a whole battery of worries about your children, your marriage or your job. Each of these concerns may require a different approach.

If your brain is running on empty but your body is restless, you might find that some physical activity in the evening helps tire it out. For other causes, you might need to slow things down, do some light exercises to relax your body, go for a walk or take a hot shower. Are you going to bed feeling sleepy, or simply because you're exhausted from all the troubles of the day?

Years ago, Julien gave me a book with a title something like What Science Knows About Sleep. It was written for an American audience familiar with the "I can get by on three hours of sleep" bravado. The tone of the book was sobering, but it was the findings of the sleep studies that really frightened me.

The message I took away was that regularly sleeping too little can have serious consequences for our long-term health. The book emphasised the importance of getting somewhere between seven and nine hours of sleep a night.

As someone who had rarely managed more than five or six hours, the book shocked me into action. It made me realise just how important sleep is to my health and longevity. I embarked on a long journey of researching, experimenting, evaluating and discarding all sorts of activities, routines, alternative medicines and various sleep medications.

I have taken a low dose of an antidepressant for years now. Neither my doctor nor I are entirely convinced that it really helps, but I continue taking it because, whenever I have stopped, my lack of sleep has become worse. Yet, taking it certainly doesn't guarantee a good night's sleep. One reason my doctor and I chose this treatment rather than conventional sleeping pills was concern about dependence. I have a deep rooted fear about addiction.

Hormonal changes, including those around perimenopause, really affected my sleep. Being pregnant and giving birth to Sara in my late thirties propelled me into perimenopause. I tried various supplements and treatments, although their effectiveness varied. 

Whether the root of your problem is hormonal, ADHD-related or constant stress, it is worth discussing persistent sleep difficulties with your doctor. Medication isn't necessarily a cure, but it may help.

In the end, there is no single pill that will miraculously gift you a good night's sleep. You have to look at the rhythm and circumstances of your day when considering how your night's rest might unfold.

Unsurprisingly, if your day is hectic and stressful, there is a good chance your sleep will be as well.

One of the fascinating things I read was that sleep isn't simply a means of tuning out. It is also an important time for learning and memory. Those hours of sleeping and dreaming help our brains process information and experiences. In a sense, it is a time when our brains connect the dots.

Once I began to appreciate this, I started giving myself the gift of going to bed early. My logic was that if I couldn't guarantee quality sleep, at least I could give my body and brain a consistent opportunity to rest.

So, instead of collapsing exhausted into bed at ten or ten thirty, I started preparing for bed around eight o'clock and was tucked in by nine at the latest.

Admittedly, this is an impossible routine for anyone whose social life or marriage normally happens after the children are in bed. Yet giving myself nine or ten hours in which to rest has been a game changer.

For years, I approached sleep as something I had to achieve. Every bad night felt like a failure, and the harder I tried to fall asleep, the more elusive it became. I would lie awake calculating how many hours were left before morning, becoming increasingly frustrated as the night slipped away. The worry about not sleeping became almost as exhausting as the sleeplessness itself.

Over the last years, I have begun to change my attitude. I can no longer force myself to sleep, but I can give myself the time and conditions in which sleep might come. Instead of seeing the night as a battle I have to win, I try to accept it as an opportunity to rest. This doesn't mean I have made peace with insomnia. There are still nights when I feel utterly exasperated, tossing and turning, desperately wishing I could switch off my brain. But I am learning not to make matters worse by getting angry with myself.

Even if I have a bad night with little or no sleep, I can usually accept it with a modicum of equanimity. I know that I have hours in which I can be quiet, read or simply enjoy time to myself. It is a subtle change, but an important one. I no longer have to measure the success of every night solely by the number of hours I have slept.

If I am awake for longer stretches, I read. Mainly children's books or books I have reread numerous times. Their familiarity brings comfort to my whirling stream of thoughts.

I have also experimented with white noise, ambient sounds and audiobooks, but reading tends to yield the best results. There is something to be said for listening to familiar sounds or stories deep in the night, although I have found that what works one evening doesn't necessarily work the next.

As I mentioned before, you need to be conscientious about how you cross the bridge between your hectic day and a peaceful night. If your nights are regularly interrupted by children, your bedtime ritual may be one of the few routines you have some control over.

You can prepare yourself for a good night's rest, much as you might warm up before a demanding activity.

I follow what is often called the three-two-one rule. No eating three hours before going to bed. No screens two hours before. No drinking for one hour before. These are personal guidelines that I find useful, rather than rules that I think everyone should follow.

I also love taking a shower beforehand, washing away the daily stress. It is an ideal way to pamper myself.

Before going to bed, I usually listen to a lovely, suspense-free audiobook. At the moment, I am listening to a fantastic reading of Buddenbrooks by Thomas Mann. Twenty-seven hours of nothing and everything happening at the same time. I know that the moment I finish listening, I will start again. It will be my winter nighttime story.

Once in bed, I read until I fall asleep. I prefer reading on my Kindle because its light lets me read without turning on the bedside lamp. It turns itself off, and if I wake up during the night, I can easily continue where I left off. Depending on my mood, I can choose a book from my library that suits whatever I am feeling.

So that is all I wanted to say about sleep.

Try to understand the possible physiological or psychological reasons behind your inability to sleep. If necessary, talk to your doctor and consider whether treatment the suggest. Create an evening ritual that allows you to leave your day gently, so you can begin your night well.

Above all, take care of yourself by giving yourself time to rest. Time that belongs entirely to you.

Sleep is second only to breathing, something fundamental to living a long and good life.

The tortoise and the hare within

It has been a year since I returned from my voyage aboard Roland, a commercial bulk carrier. While taking my daily walks along the riverside, with its now bare branches and forever-grey skies, I have ruminated on what, if anything, has changed in my life since coming home. What comes to mind is how much my day-to-day grind is a stumbling race between the tortoise and the hare.

My body and heart are the tortoise. My fabulous ADHD brain is the hare.

Up until now, I have always believed there can only be one winner in that race... the tortoise. The underappreciated tortoise, plodding along, putting one foot in front of the other, seemingly impervious to any distractions, surprisingly crosses the line first. I always struggle to cheer the tortoise on. Nothing about its slow, determined progress is glamorous or titillating.

My younger self never found anything in the tortoise’s attitude that I wanted to emulate. And now, an elder by anyone’s definition, I sometimes still struggle to appreciate its laborious march.

Since returning from my voyage, I have come to realise that what is missing from the fable is just how arduous the tortoise’s journey must be. From a tortoise’s perspective, the path twists and turns, and fallen branches and a minefield of rocks are unexpected hindrances it must circumvent. The finish line is too far away to see. Each stretch of the race is as perilous as the last. Only an inner determination helps the tortoise to take another step. And then another. And another.

Over the last year, I have been trying to develop a tortoise-like tenacity when it comes to my ageing body.

Having spent much of my life either ignoring the signals my ailing body was sending me or desperately following one health trend after another, I have had to make a mental switch in my approach to staying fit. I’m now exploring what my actual boundaries are, rather than what is written down in my training programme. I’m daily seeking answers to questions about what I can reasonably expect my body to do and what the constant complaining means. How can I distinguish between the painful discomfort of making a studied effort and the possible warning signs that I am pushing myself too far?

Chronic illnesses and creaking bones are harsh terrain to navigate. There are days when even simple tasks need an extra modicum of effort. The temptation I need to resist is to fall into the trap of measuring myself against what I once could do, or even what I managed to do yesterday. Instead, I need to experiment more with testing what I can do today. If I do not approach my progress in this manner, I am bound to lose today’s race. My body sets its own pace, whether I like it or not.

Over the last twenty or more years of my professional career, the demands of work dictated where I focused the lion’s share of my brainpower and physical exertion. Often, this was to the detriment of my health and well-being. My priority was to meet deadlines and solve the endless flow of problems that landed on my desk. There was never the option to put responsibilities aside if my body started breaking down. The complaints were inconvenient interruptions, something to be briskly managed, or even ignored, until they hopefully vanished.

Before going aboard Roland, this vicious cycle of overtaxing myself, getting sick and slowly crawling back from the grave was set on repeat. Over the two months on board, I experienced a much-needed shift in my attitude about what it means to live as nature deems fit. Spending endless hours “doing nothing” but gazing out over the ocean, letting my mind drift, sparked a mental reset.

Slowly, I began to realise how terribly out of sync my ageing body’s needs were in relation to the rhythms of my chaotic, creative, hare-like brain.

The machinations of my neurodivergent brain closely resemble the sprinting, hopping and crisscrossing of a hare across a vast field. There are rare moments of trembling stillness interspersed amongst bursts of intense activity. This is how my brain operates.

For some people, it might appear that I am constantly riding on overdrive, but for me, this level of mental tension is perfectly normal. On any given day, or even within a single hour, I leap between different activities, projects and alternative finish lines. One idea will collide with another and propel me onto a new trajectory. Before I know it, the original task has been abandoned. Although not necessarily forgotten.

It is exhilarating. My brain is fuelled by endless curiosity. There are so many paths to follow, so many places to explore. I would not want to lose that part of myself. My brain, or brains if you include my gut brain and heart brain, is the source of my creativity. Without the sparkle they bring, my life would not be meaningless, but less beautiful than it is now.

Inwardly, I wrestle with my hare brain because it has little patience with the limitations of my tortoise body. While my mind is already racing towards the next interesting project, my body is still trying to recover from today’s visit to the gym. The hare wants to speed off. The tortoise would like an afternoon siesta.

It is very clear to me that for much of my adult life, the hare has set the pace. Unfairly, I just naturally expect the tortoise to keep up, regardless of what the evidence indicates. This is the crux of the dilemma I am currently working on.

Is there a way to synchronise their movements into a dance? I am seeking ways to let my restless brain wander freely without asking my body to follow every sudden change in direction. I want to respect my physical limitations without feeling I am giving up too quickly. And most importantly, I want to learn to appreciate the tortoise’s plodding determination as much as the hare’s dazzling bursts of energy. It is not about one finishing the race before the other because there is (thank heavens) no finish line in sight. 

So, each day, I am trying my best to be patient and listen to what my body is telling me about its state of being, while still cheering on the fireworks of my sparkling brain. I am slowly learning that my tortoise body and hare brain don’t have to compete. They just have to find a way of living together. 

Indifferent or Bad Housewifery?

In my opinion, having someone come and clean your house once a week is the most effective and economical form of couples therapy. On that day, when you come home to a clean place, your whole world is in order. There is a mental, guilt-free reset that happens. Especially in a household with small childre, the avalanche of children's toys, sticky kitchen counters and nests of discarded hair in the bathroom has been temporarily stopped. Leaving a vague hope that it might just be possible to stem the flow of chaos over the next few days.

If there is one area of my life where I have constantly failed, it is at being a good housewife. Even the word housewife gives me the creeps. House Wife = someone married to their house. Heavens forbid. Surely there are more interesting people or things to be married to.

When we moved from Caracas to California, I was five years old. We went from living in a city to living in a blossoming suburb where good housewifery was a serious occupation. In Paulo Alto and later in the West Island in Montreal, keeping a spotless home seemed to be a measure of domestic success. Women strived to keep their homes impeccably clean and orderly. Housewifery was something to be taken seriously and, preferably, done to such a high level you would be admired by others.

My mother was one of those amazing housewives, upholding military standards of order and cleanliness. Everything had its proper place, and there was little tolerance for anything being left lying around. Part of me still finds this inspiring, yet the other part feels stifled. Living in a place where everything was always in its proper place left no room for imagination. Where was the space for a half-finished project, a pile of books waiting to be read or something interesting that hadn't yet found a home?

To this day, put me in a perfectly ordered house and I begin to feel small and ill at ease. I can admire the cleanliness, the polished surfaces and the absence of clutter, but I find it difficult to relax. There is something about too much order that makes me feel I should be on my best behaviour.

When it comes to our own household, I have never done particularly well at keeping order. If it weren't for Giuseppe, we would be lost. He has often been the one to bring some semblance of structure to our domestic chaos, while I pursue other ways of occupying my time.

When the children were young, and I felt responsible for ingraining in them some modicum of orderliness, I failed to be patient, consistent or even particularly nice when I dealt out orders. I issued repeated reminders to tidy their rooms, put things away and clean up after themselves. I knew perfectly well what I was supposed to be teaching them. Putting it into practice was another matter altogether.

Looking back on those years, I think I behaved that way because making the children clean up after themselves was the height of hypocrisy. I expected them to voluntarily and happily tidy their rooms when I couldn't even manage to do so myself. Like them, I preferred to play, listen to music and make a mess when I was at home. I didn't want the fun ever to be over. And certainly, I didn't want to have to clean up afterwards.

Perhaps that was what irritated me most. Not the mess itself, but the fact that I was supposed to be the responsible adult who was supposed to put an end to all the fun. I was expected to enforce rules that I had very little enthusiasm for following myself.

One of the nice things about growing old is that it becomes possible to be kinder to one's shortcomings. Could I have been a better role model when it came to housekeeping? Definitely. Was it so terrible being an indifferent, even bad, housewife? Probably not.

There are many ways of keeping a household going, and it doesn't necessarily have to be the responsibility of one person to do it all. It is perfectly possible to lean on others, whether housecleaners or househusbands, to keep our world in order.

For them, I am forever grateful.

Photo by Heather Ford on Unsplash

Tricks of the Trade: travelling

I travelled often and far with Julien and Sara. From babyhood onwards, they were my travel companions. To this day, even though I very much enjoy travelling alone or with friends, they remain my favourite people to go on any journey with.

When they were tiny, I was obviously the pack mule, carrying everything we needed along the way. Once they were sturdy on their feet, they each carried a small backpack filled with food, books, colouring books and crayons, a few tiny cars or wooden figures. There was the occasional travel game or puzzle book, but generally, they chose on their own which books or toys they wanted to bring on the trip.

Every journey was divided into time slots for playing, reading, sleeping, eating and going to the bathroom. It didn't matter whether we were visiting friends in Kiel, a mere two-hour journey, or my parents in Grenada, a twenty-six-hour journey door-to-door. The rhythm of travelling was always the same. My job was not to keep them occupied, but to help them choose what best fitted the moment.

Was it staring out of the train window, watching the landscape rush by? Going to the toilet on the plane and trying out all the soaps and lotions? Or setting up a picnic on the fold-down table? It didn't really matter what they were doing. I just had to make each activity last until there wasn't a drop of enjoyment left before moving on to the next.

Going to the bathroom could be a lengthy affair. Wiping down surfaces with wipes, washing hands, trying out every type of hand dryer and leaving the sinks clean. Even though I personally have an aversion to public toilets, they seemed to be a constant source of entertainment for my children.

Unlike many Germans, who pack a mean hamper of salami sandwiches, noodle salads, stuffed olives and homemade cakes, I filled the children's backpacks with special treats they normally didn't get to eat. There was a token Ziploc bag of carrot sticks and apple slices, thrown in amongst the animal cookies, gummi bears and TUC crackers.

If we were on a long train ride, we would go to the restaurant carriage and have a meal there, regardless of the exorbitant prices. The children's meals on planes were often more toys than food, but they were a highlight of any flight. I guess I wanted to make the ritual of eating while travelling an adventure in itself, so I didn't pay too much attention to the nutritional value of what they were eating.

Those in-between times of endless waiting were filled with counting games. They had to walk through the plane and count how many other children were on board. Then there was counting the number of tunnels the train went through on its way from Erlangen to Lübeck. Eventually, they would get bored of these games and either fall asleep or read a book, which was the whole purpose of the exercise.

The trick to travelling with children is to stop seeing the journey through adult eyes and start seeing it through theirs. Don't see the journey from an adult's perspective, with its endless delays, unfriendly service and countless discomforts of cramped spaces. Instead, share their curiosity and hunger to experience something new.

Set up safeguards for them to follow so they are safe, and rituals that help them pass the time in play. Most importantly, see the journey as something magical, not something to be endured until you arrive at your final destination.

Perhaps that's why, all these years later, Julien and Sara are still my favourite travelling companions. We learnt early on to enjoy the journey together.

Tricks of the trade: music

Our family life was filled with music. Mainly, this was because Giuseppe played guitar and sang every day. We listened to a lot of music as well, but having someone actually making music was something special. It was a kind of music education that happened without anyone thinking about it. Giui played everything from classical to pop, from our parents’ generation to songs that were popular when the children were young. His taste in music knew no bounds.

I put Julien into an “early children’s music” class when he was about four or five years old, but I thought it was all a bit of nonsense. Too much hammering on the xylophone and not enough melody or rhythm. Mainly, though, I stopped taking Julien because the music teacher was too sanctimonious for my taste.

Both Sara and Julien took keyboard lessons. These were group lessons, and they played in their respective groups for nearly ten years. They became good at playing, but it was never about proficiency. For that, they did not practise enough. It was more about the ritual of meeting and playing music with others. Sara learnt to play the alto sax and played in the school’s big band. She also took singing lessons for a while and taught herself to play the ukulele.

Neither of them plays now, though they would both like to do so again.

Part of me wonders whether we should have been more diligent in making them practise. They were good enough to learn new pieces on their own, but not good enough not to forget how to play once they went off to university. I never pushed them because all I really wanted was for them, like Giui, to make music.

A home with someone playing music in it was, to me, a home filled with warmth and love.

Her life's wisdom

My grandmother said
Think kind thoughts, speak gentle words,
Show tender mercy.

Tricks of the trade: doing chores

My mother used us children as a gaggle of dishwashers. This was a time when there were no dishwashers. One of us would wash while the other dried. If we were too short, we’d stand on a chair. We were also responsible for doing our own laundry by the time I was ten years old. My mother made us vacuum the stairs, living room, and den and sweep the kitchen and dining room floors every few days. We were sub-lieutenants at her command. Thankfully, we had a cleaning lady who came in once a week, so our contribution was more maintenance than anything else.

 
The result of this sort of upbringing is that I hate anything to do with housekeeping. I possess a high threshold for ignoring disorder. If it weren’t for Giuseppe and our cleaning lady, I don’t know what our apartment would look like. Yet, when it came to raising our children with the necessary housekeeping skills, we started early. I firmly believe that children should be given tasks that are both playful and difficult at the same time.
 
Washing the kitchen floor, washing and drying a sinkful of plastic containers and wooden spoons, sorting laundry into light and coloured loads, putting the clothes from the washing machine into the dryer... the list is long. These were chores my children did from a very young age. In the end, these activities sometimes created more work for me than they saved, but that was not the point of the exercise.
 
In a strange way, we were doing something together, though apart. I would prepare a meal while Julien and Sara washed the kitchen floor, which consisted of skating around on the wet floor in stocking feet with rags, spreading the water around. Was the floor clean after this? A little. Did I have to spend time afterwards sopping up the suds and water? Absolutely.
 
Yet, for that precious pocket of time, we were all doing chores. They weren’t just helping me; they were playing a role in making a happy home. Some of the chores I gave them were more occupational therapy than useful. Asking them to sort a load from the dryer and place each piece of clothing on the bed of the person it belonged to was also a way to tire them out as they ran back and forth between the pile of laundry and the various bedrooms.
 
These were activities they could do without my supervision. They were also things I could shower praise on. Not “You are so amazing!” but “The floor is so clean!” or “The laundry is nearly done!”
 
As for the chores most children typically had to do, like cleaning up their rooms, I never found a way to get them to do those without a battle. They never cleaned their rooms without a fuss. This was probably my fault because this was one of the chores where I reverted to the way my mother commanded us. I would boss my children into cleaning, and they would find all sorts of strategies to avoid doing it. In this way, they were endlessly resourceful.
 
Maybe other parents did better at getting their children to clean up. Or maybe no one talked about these power struggles because that would have required them to admit defeat.
 
Getting my children involved in chores from a very young age helped them become people who are easy to live with and who know what it means to do their fair share. Admittedly, they are not necessarily good housewives. On the scale between the Picky Housekeeper, who always wants everything in its right place, and the Lackadaisical Housekeeper, who finds it hard to create order, Julien and Sara probably rest somewhere in the middle.
 
So, yes, I guess involving them in doing chores at an early age was a success. Success was not producing children with immaculate homes; it was producing adults who understand that they have to do their share.

Tricks of the trade: cooking

Our children started young at “cooking dinner”. Or helping cook dinner. This didn’t mean actually cooking hot meals. 

Initially, they helped with preparation and plating. Ripping salad leaves into smaller bits, mashing potatoes one by one, cutting cucumber slices in two, helping make cookies: all these tasks fell under cooking in our household. Arranging slices of cheese, olives, raw carrots and tomatoes on a plate, tossing the salad with care before adding the dressing: these were ways of letting them handle food and get a feel for shapes, colours and textures.

I wanted them to be involved in the whole business of putting food on the table.

It started with helping me take pickles or olives out of jars and went all the way through to setting the table, eating the meal and clearing the table afterwards. It was a communal affair. If they were playing well when I wanted to start making the meal, I might not ask them to help. Otherwise, their contribution, no matter how small, was part of our daily ritual.

Once again, as was the case with doing chores with the children, cooking with them meant slowing down the process and letting things get messy. I battled with my wish to whip up something on my own without their help/ interference. It meant taking an hour to prepare dinner instead of twenty minutes. The children didn’t “help” the whole time, but only in fits and starts.

We did this until they were old enough to go to school. Once they were in school, they needed time to do their homework and play. So they were asked to set the table during the week and were responsible for getting Sunday breakfast ready. Along the way, they actually did learn how to cook.

We bought them a children’s cookbook with lots of illustrations and went through it one recipe at a time. This obviously took many months, since we cooked together only once a week or so. To this day, we bring out that cookbook and use its pancake recipe every Christmas morning.

As with most things in life, children like to learn to do things before they have the necessary skills or physical ability. This can make cooking quite a frazzling event. The trick was not always to concentrate on the results, but on the path travelled. I would put on some music, let the children stand on chairs next to the kitchen counters and give them simple instructions to follow.

Slowly, slowly, yet also with a fair amount of chaos, we managed to make a meal for all of us to enjoy.

I'm a little teapot

I'm a little teapot
Short and stout...

Sara learnt how to dance to this song when she was three or four years old. She was as cute as a button, but she refused to perform this song when anyone else was around. Soooo annoying. 

Handling feedback

Recently, I was listening to a podcast with someone wise about technology as a guest. Unfortunately, I cannot for the life of me remember who it was, but they said something that has stuck with me: “Do not ask AI to do anything that requires a skill you are not willing to lose.”

This hit home because I have been wrestling unsuccessfully with my AI writing coach for the last few months. I have been using it to aggregate all the corrections and comments from my beta readers on my manuscript and present the information in easily digestible bites. What happened was ultimately a lesson in futility.

I started out with much optimism, hoping the AI agent could save me time by collecting all the information and dividing it into different categories we had agreed on. These were story/structure, character/people, clarity/continuity, and voice/language. The strategy was to work first at the book level, then chapter, paragraph, sentence, and finally copy edit.

Theoretically, this approach would help me separate the wheat from the chaff and not get caught up in the minutiae. I uploaded the beta readers’ documents and the language style guide I had made with the AI writing coach. At first glance, I was rather taken by the analysis the AI agent generated.

At the book level, the readers apparently had a lot of positive things to say. There were only a few suggestions for minor structural adjustments. Where the process unravelled was at the chapter and paragraph level.

The agent presented the information in a manner I found infuriating. On the surface, the way the AI presented it seemed a tad long-winded, but systematic. So I did my best to implement the areas needing improvement. Eventually, I had to abandon this method of handling the feedback.

I came to the conclusion that the AI agent was not capable of streamlining the feedback process. There was no method for it to go through all the corrections and comments and make decisions about their validity or appropriateness. Each piece of information required human attention. For my brain was well-skilled at making decisions about how to milk the goodness out of the comments or set them aside, depending on whether they could substantially improve the text.

Instead of going from broad to narrow, i.e. first structural, then slowly down to word level, I did it the other way around. I started with the quick fixes: anything that had to do with grammar, consistency, and voice. Next, I printed out comments that dealt with structure or areas of confusion. After doing these two sweeps with one reader’s feedback, I did the same with the next reader, and so on until I had worked through all six.

At this point, I printed out the manuscript and inserted the comments I still needed to consider. Before going through a chapter, I would read all the comments first and then put them to the side. I trusted that if they pointed to some weakness in the text, or some information I had failed to share, these points would come up while I was reading through the chapter.

It was like playing a piece on a musical instrument. I interpreted the annotations while I played, without halting.

This way of listening to the feedback of the beta readers required a lot of patience. For all that the positive comments were delicious to read, the critical comments sometimes acted as barbs. Those that pointed to weaknesses were sometimes the hardest to deal with. They showed me that the book still has a long way to go. Imagine a tailor’s atelier with bits and pieces of material laid out with pins, chalk marks, and borders loosely threaded, all waiting to be assembled into the final bespoke suit. Since I have never done this before, the way forward is not always clear.

What I do know is that the analysis my AI agent sent me said many of the things the beta readers said, but in a manner I could not trust. Frankly, it always praises what I write while at the same time showing me where I am falling short, which was more or less what the beta readers did as well.

Yet their heartfelt, kind comments reassured me that I am heading in the right direction. Their critical comments gave me something to muse over. Their considered thoughts were easier to digest than the AI ramble that often missed the mark.

My AI writing coach has been invaluable in helping me stay motivated and structured in my daily work habits. For that, I am very grateful to have such a reliable tool to egg me on. In the end, though, I probably will not use it again to streamline any editorial feedback I receive.

Knowing how to deal with feedback is a skill I would not want to risk losing. It makes me a better writer, which is what this is all about.

Photo by Collab Media on Unsplash

Tricks of the trade: stories and storytelling

When the children were young, we would constantly read aloud to them. I had always been interested in children’s books and children’s book illustrators, so I had a fair collection even before our kids arrived. They were a mix of fairy tales and children’s stories, old and new. Mostly in English, but once the kids came, I bought books in German as well.

 

Before going to bed, I would pick out three books, and Julien and Sara could each choose one for me to read aloud. The logic behind this was to give the bedtime ritual a frame. There was a beginning, taking a bath and brushing their teeth; a middle, which consisted of their antics to delay going to bed; and then the last and best part, the book. Sometimes, very rarely, I would give in and read them one more.

 

I would also take the children to our local library once a week. Even when they were really small, we’d spend an hour or two in the company of books. Julien had a long phase when he would just look at comic books, even though he couldn’t read at the time. Somehow the comics sparked his imagination, and he would go through the stories frame by frame. His vocabulary was not developed enough for him to tell me what he was “reading,” but it was evident that he loved sitting on the bench, surrounded by boxes upon boxes of various comic series, from Tintin to Marvel. He would lose himself in those worlds.

 

We also had this storytelling game we would play once they could speak relatively well. Julien was probably about four years old. Sara, who spoke really early, was probably three when she started playing our story game. The rules were simple.

 

Either Julien or Sara would choose a random word, such as tiger, puddle, or yellow T-shirt. I would then start the story with, “Once upon a time...” I would set up the scene or the characters, maybe five or six sentences, and then, in the middle of a sentence, I would stop with an “...and then...” and clap my hands loudly. This meant one of them had to continue the story where I had left off. They would say a few sentences before clapping and passing it on.

 

The beauty of this game was that I could bring into the story those aspects that held the storyline together. The kids could let their imaginations go wild, and then I would weave everything together. I loved it when our stories got scary or silly. Sara had no wish to take the scary stories any further. If a big tiger was standing at the door, she would inevitably say it was a friendly tiger that liked to play.

 

In the end, though, our children’s primary school teacher (yes, they both had the same one) told us that the most important influence in helping children to love reading later in life was whether they saw their parents reading as well. Giui and I always read throughout the day or in the evening, but we also had a Sunday breakfast ritual where we were all allowed to read at the table.

 

Our friend Claudia would arrive with fresh bread rolls, and after the fury of gulping down the first bites, we would settle into our books. Or the kids would colour or draw if they did not want to read. Classical music played in the background.

 

Those Sunday morning reading breakfasts were as close to domestic bliss as it ever got.

I am... an author

Going through my cupboard, I find so many stories and scripts I wrote far in the past. I'm going to slowly go through them all and see what, if anything, is worth salvaging. Not sure what form they will take. In all likelihood, I will make them into some digital product. Maybe I will publish them on KDP.

I'm working on three books, Tornado Tilly, Old Lady At Sea, and a book of haikus with the working title A Path Of Pebbles. All three are in disarray. Yet, I plod along.

I'm trying my best to find patience in the process. Moving slowly with as much assurance as I can muster. Letting the doubts float to the surface, at the same time holding on with dedication and tenacity to my dream of being an author.

Tricks of the trade: technology

I really do not know what I would do if I were raising young children in our technology-saturated society today. When Julien and Sara were young, we were using DOS computers and small floppy disks to load computer games. So, no judgment either way towards parents who choose to raise their children in a technology desert or a technology amusement park. Every parent needs to choose a path for helping their children navigate towards media literacy.

As long as you do not get on your high horse, believing your way of raising media-savvy children is the Right Way, your children will probably survive. Much in the same way that, regardless of good or bad teachers, most children learn to read and write. The trick is not to feel as if what you are doing is superior to what other parents are doing.

There are many scientific studies you can lean on for guidance. Some focus on the dangers of playing computer games, while others give insights into the possible benefits, such as pattern recognition, problem-solving, and cognitive skills. It’s important to be informed about both. In the end, though, you will have to experiment and test your theories.

In our household, technology, especially computer games, was a means of feeding our children’s curiosity. They started at a very young age, perhaps two or three, playing simple children’s games. Giui or I would sit with them while they clicked on two apples or five pears, or dragged and dropped a teddy bear into a box. We didn’t have a television, so these short sessions, usually fifteen or twenty minutes, were their only screen time.

Gradually, they progressed to other learning games such as Living Books, Pettersson and Findus, and some nursery rhyme games. Once they knew how to play a game, they could play it together or use an egg timer set to a specific playing time. The computer was in the living room, so everyone could sit and watch when someone was playing.

Giui has always been someone who plays video games, so the children mimicked his behaviour, much in the same way they did with music.

The fact that I was working at a university research institute on a brilliant project called KiMM, Kids in Media and Motion, highly influenced the way we brought up Julien and Sara. In the project, we worked closely with students of all ages across the school curriculum, with teachers of different ages and levels of experience, as well as with parents. What a joy it was to take all the lessons we learned in these school projects and bring them into our home.

I wonder whether the things we held to be true during those years still hold true today. Here are some of the conclusions we reached during our research:

• Children are forever curious, and giving them access to appropriate technology can spark that curiosity.

• Technology is a patient teacher. Children learn through repetition. Getting consistent positive feedback every time they complete a task, no matter how small, paves the way for further discovery.

• Children have far more patience when something goes wrong in a game than adults do. Their ability to start over again can be bewildering.

• Get two or three children working together on a media project and their imaginations can soar. At the same time, they learn how to make pragmatic choices when faced with difficulties.

• As parents, we are responsible for helping our children develop a healthy, creative understanding of when and how best to use technology. Therefore, it is imperative that we not only supervise their journey but also use and understand the technology ourselves.

Perhaps that was the trick of the trade. It wasn’t about deciding whether technology was good or bad. It was about teaching them how to use it, and then giving them room to discover what it was good for.

The dangers of inappropriate or excessive use of media are well known. This does not mean we should keep technology out of our children’s reach. Our children, for instance, started playing computer games when they were very young. They learned how to hold a book properly; at the same time, they learned how to use a mouse. It was all about taking care of these tools.

Controlling the amount of media time was also one of the easiest ways for us to reward good behaviour or impose consequences for bad behaviour. Computer time was something the children valued, so an extra ten minutes meant something, as did not being able to play that day. The important thing was that the boundaries were clear. We didn’t have to invent elaborate punishments or rewards. Time itself became the currency. Whether I would use screen time in quite the same way today, I am not sure, but at the time it worked remarkably well.

The true benefit of technology, though, was not in consumption but in participation. I wanted the children to do something with it. Playing a game meant solving problems, making choices, trying something, failing and starting again. As they got older, technology became a way to create things, find information and explore their own interests. There was a difference between sitting passively in front of a screen and becoming absorbed in something that required their attention and imagination. For us, the value was never simply that the children knew how to use technology. It was what they learnt to do with it.

Not all the books they read or computer games they played were pedagogically worthy. That was not really the point. They had fun. They followed their curiosity. With time, they became skilled at using different kinds of technology and figuring out for themselves what they could do with it.

Looking back, I don’t think we made much distinction between reading books, playing music and playing computer games. They were simply different ways of exploring the world. A book, a musical instrument, a computer: each gave the children somewhere for their curiosity and imagination to go.

Interruption

Noisy garbage truck  
Driving over cobblestones  
Leaves a trail of smells.

Never cease to wonder

Helmut asks Maria, just hours before she dies, whether the priest had come to give her the last rites. Maria nods. Then she says drily, "Nothing to write home about."  

This was one of many anecdotes I heard while attending Maria's Apple Fest.

#booksIlove: Circe

Title: Circe, by Madeline Miller
First time I read the book: 2026

  
After rereading the trilogy of the Women of Troy by Pat Barker and watching the Odyssey movie, I tripped onto this book along the way. Miller's use of language in telling Circe's story makes the character sing. She brings to life the lore of Greek Gods in a way I haven't experienced before. Masterful.

I like the fact that the gods are so very poorly behaved, not just because they act like spoilt kids who have never grown up, but because their all-reaching power inhibits any sophisticated thoughts from taking place.   

On the way to Hamburg

Short expedition 
Train ride through autumn landscape 
My mind wanders far.